I'm almost finished! I can still remember when 30 weeks seemed so far away, when all I wanted was to make it to 12 weeks to hear her tiny heart beating, tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought about her tiny heart, I have life in me and it's my sole responsibility to protect and care for her. There is nothing that Anthony can do or my Mom can do, sure they can help by making sure I eat all the right things and keeping me away from a Mike Hard Lemonade at family cookouts, but ultimately this little heart depends on me. My mind quickly went from the first time I would feel her heart beat to thinking what if this tiny heart gets broken, what if some boy hurts her little feelings or doesn't return her call. "Penelope is never dating" I quickly thought, I will always remember the first time I heard her little heart beating.
After that day all I wanted was to make it to 20 weeks so that I could see her again and find out if it was a boy or girl, even though I knew from the beginning it was my little Penelope, I wanted to be sure. I still remember when she came on the screen and had her legs open wide...showing us she was a girl. My mind quickly raced, I have to teach her how to be a woman, would I be able to have those mother daughter talks my mom was so famous for with her, was I even a good example of woman for her and all I continued to think about was "what if I fail?" or "what if she turns out like me?".
10 weeks later I got see her face for the first time at our 3d/4d ultrasound. It was amazing, she took my breath away. I had this overwhelming feeling of pride, knowing that I got her to this point. She is healthy and looked rather happy as she smiled and played with her umbilical cord, even though when we started she had her middle finger up! We got to watch her for about 30 minutes and it was the best 30 minutes of my life. They pointed out all her little features and showed us how much hair she has, which was comforting because I haven't had any heartburn which everyone says is a sign of lots hair...we were a bit worried she was going to be bald. That would be weird considering Anthony and I both have plenty of curly hair to share! It was an awesome experience and I'm glad my family was able to be in the room and watch with us.
We still have lots to do to get ready for her to make her grand entrance, and I feel a little stressed because it seems like no matter how much we do we will never be ready. I finally scheduled our tour of the hospital for August 12Th and we start our Birthing class on August 3rd. I think that will help Anthony a lot because he is having a hard time grasping this entire pregnancy thing, he doesn't understand the why I'm tired, or why my appetite is like that of a teenage boy, or why I need to take a break in the middle of the grocery store and sit down in the middle of the frozen food section! He has even asked if I should be drinking baby formula or breast milk so the baby can get all the vitamins, and how he wishes he could send Penelope a toy to play with because he didn't want her to get bored playing with the cord! I asked how he thought we would get this toy to her....he just looked at me and I just laughed! He doesn't do well with blood or even band aids...so I'm worried we might have to knock him out in the delivery room!
30 weeks later and all I want is a chance to meet her, a chance to hold my entire world in my arms, to look my universe in her eyes and see every dream I've ever had come true.
All the back pain and lack of sleep doesn't even matter, I would gladly go back to week 8 when I couldn't keep any food down, when I sat crying in the bathroom at work, pleading with my baby to stop being so mean...trying to figure out what I did that could have been so horrible that I'm being payed back for...I would ask to be payed back double.
No comments:
Post a Comment